Before I had children, I imagined our Sunday mornings would be like this: sunshine streaming through the windows, we’d be flipping pancakes and the children would be giggling and sipping fresh-squeezed OJ and there would be lots of singing. I guess I thought parenting would just be an extended musical. Laugh with me though, because my Sundays now look like this: regularly burning pancakes which I flip with a butter knife because my children inform me the spatula is “hiding” in the sandbox; intermittently pulling squabbling children off of each other so that they don’t really hurt each other; cold coffee and no singing.
My life is not a musical… but maybe I should start doing more singing.
Because here’s the thing: there’s neurological evidence that melodic intonation – using super inflected, sing-song voices for everything – actually activates a different part of the brain. Not only does it support children’s comprehension – especially those with delays – it calms the adult involved, making co-regulation easier. We are all family systems, right? So it’s important to have tools and tips that can help the child – but that also help the parent. That is exactly what melodic intonation does. It’s near impossible to feel angry/frustrated/annoyed when you’re singing.
I’ll just point out that many-a-children’s show has already figured this out. The ever famous Daniel Tiger (yes, I let my children watch Daniel Tiger while I do their hair and sometimes in the car) sings through everything. His jangle for anger is: “When you’re so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four…”
It may be a show for children, but they’re on to something. Daniel Tiger knows how things can be so insanely maddening for children (and parents) and also, that it’s not possible to have harshness in your heart when you’re singing “When you’re so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four…” If nothing else, recognizing you need this silly song is funny (because who would have thought parenting was so hard that you need to take advice from a cartoon tiger?).
You see the point? Melodic intonation- be it a song or a chant (if your kid is older) or even just a phrase said the same way every time can save the day.
Daniel Tiger models this as well: throughout the show, he sings the same short little jangle again and again and again, until he – and everyone watching – remembers it and can make use of it. So if a little orange tiger can do it, surely you can too! Next time I’m burning pancakes and failing to have a Sunday morning that looks like a musical, I’ll be singing my way back. Won’t you join me?